Those are the words that I hate the most. Why is it when you tell people "Oh, I am sorry I don't drink anymore" it opens up a women's uterus to the dreaded question "Why? Are you pregnant"?

I stopped drinking over 80 days ago. It was by complete choice. I was in psych and I was in group and someone stated that they were taking the time they were in there to clear their body from everything toxic. They stated "toxic" to them was people, alcohol, and bad foods....the list can go on. I loved that. It was an eye opener. When I was in psych it was a week of a self cleanse. It was one week of nothing toxic able to get to me. It was freeing. I thought to myself "wow, this is a new me". It felt so good. After that week, once I got home I told Andrew my choice, and he thought it was a good choice and decided to do it with me.

Since I have stopped the toxic, my head has been so clear. I am sure that it is my medicine that I am on, but I can tell it is not just the meds. My whole body feels is amazing.

Now, back to the dreaded question. Why do people think they have the right to ask such a personal question to women? Why is it a question that is so easy to flow from someones mouth? How do you know that women isn't struggling with pregnancy? How do you know if that is not a sensitive subject? You don't. It shouldn't be that easy to just ask someone.

Just because someone doesn't drink anymore doesn't mean they were an alcoholic, are pregnant, or the DD. Maybe they just made a healthy choice in their lives and want to rid it with the rest of the toxic.

Just something to think about.

I thought I would give an update since I had some changes within my medication and therapy. How have I been? I have been great. I have not self medicated with anything other then my prescriptions....which makes me feel like a completely new person. I love this feeling, and I made a promise to myself I will never change that. Those days are done and over, I do not need anything besides what my doctor gives me and so far that is working 100%. I promise myself that I am going to keep on myself and make sure that I keep up to make sure that I stay just like I am right now.

The medicine that I am on makes me feel like a normal person all the time now. I cannot believe how different I feel being on the correct medicine and working on myself. Everything is changing, I get up and want to put on makeup again. I want to feel like a girl again. I care about my appearance. I make sure my finger and toenails are on makes me feel good. I can laugh with my kids and it isn't a fake laugh, it is a real belly laugh. Another odd thing, my taste in music is back to hip hop. I put it on when I am driving and I feel so good. For years I was listening to country, I couldn't stand anything that was real uppity and dance, and now that is what I want to listen to. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel like "Nikki" again. I am learning that I do not always have to be "mom" I am me too and that is okay. I just feel soo good.

Well, I did say that my medication has changed. I am right now on 400mg of Seriquil at night (yes, it knocks me on my ass, but it works wonders for me during the day). I am also on 20mg of Prozac during the day. When I went to my psych this past week he took me off the Prozac. I guess I talk really fast and he said that I seem like I am "too good" and he doesn't want to push me into a manic episode. So, we are going to just try the Seriquil for the next month and see how that works for me. He also wants a 3rd party that knows me to come to my next appt. Andrew is going to try to make it, and if he cannot make it I am going to bring my mom. I know him or her will be honest about what they think about how I am and that can really help with my medication. I want to do everything possible to make sure that I am on point. The last thing I want is to go too high or too low.

My worst fear is to slip back to where I was. I do not want to get to where I don't know what is happening to me or how to control my emotions. I don't think I would make it like that ever again. I really am thankful to the psych unit I was in and everyone I met there, they will never know how much they helped me and how they are going to be a part of my life forever.

Have any questions for me? I am an open book and I am there for anyone. Just message me.
If anyone knows me they know how obsessed with coffee I am. I have to drink about a pot every morning...yes a whole pot! I am always looking for new and exciting new ways to drink coffee. I cannot have a lot of sugar so that limits me. I always have to try the latest and newest coffee creamer flavors. On any day I usually have 3-4 in my fridge. My mom got me started on putting whipped cream on the top, which was great until I found the best coffee product out right now... Barista Cafe Flavored Latte Foam!

What is it? It is a sugar free (yes sugar free) foam that comes in a few different flavors to pump on top of your cup of java! The flavors I have seen are Mocha, Caramel, and Vanilla....I am not sure if there are anymore. I found this in the coffee aisle at Wal~Mart. Another good thing about this wonderful do not have to store it in the fridge, you can leave it out right next to the coffee pot.
Why am I obsessed? This adds just enough extra flavor to make your coffee pop. It is so yummy and just adds that extra flavor. I have been using 3-4 squirts on every cup of coffee for over a week and I still have more then half left in the bottle, I pretty much didn't even touch the amount they give you, which makes me happy because I thought I would go through this like crazy with the amount of coffee I drink.
My kids love this too....I added this to their hot coca as a treat and they kept asking for more. Since it is sugar free and pretty much everything free I let them have extra, and little did they know their "treat" isn't that big of deal!
I suggest this for any hot drink....! I haven't tried it on cold coffee yet, but I know I will be adding it to that too!
This is my new food obsession....I am telling you, go out, buy one, and then come back to me telling me "thank you" because I promise that you will never drink your coffee without it again! I know I won't!

*This is not a paid ad, I get nothing for this! Just products that I love that I think are worth sharing to others! 

I was told to sit in what I learned was the dining room of Psych. I was alone, in my hospital scrubs, and waiting. It felt like forever but I am sure it was only a few minutes before the nurse came to get me to show me to my room. As I sat there and looked around I was watching people play board games, walk the hall on the phone, and some just staring off into space. "What am I doing here with these people" I thought to myself. (Little did I know that by the end of the week "these people" were going to be my saving grace)

I was showed to my room. I was a lucky one, I got a private room. Honestly, I do not know how I would of got through the week if I had to share a room. What was the room like? It was that....a room. I had a bed (the wooden kind like in holding), a blue plastic chair in the corner....and that was it. I had my own bathroom but had to share the shower. (there is a story coming a long with this....)

I was showed the TV room. There were no TV's or anything in the rooms. I was told this was because they did not want us hiding out in our rooms. Part of the process was to talk to others and interact with others. The TV room was also where group was held at least 3 times a day. There were comfy chairs, and also books. As soon as I sat down in the TV room all by myself there was an older lady quick to talk to me and fill me in on some things around the 'ward.

*I am not going to name names, but I made up nick names for people while I sat back and observed....and I did a lot of observing*

"Norma" was a nice lady. She went over the rules they had and some information about the staff and patients. I talked to her a lot. I usually talked to her after dinner and before our last group of the day. 

I had dinner that first night and then went back to my room. It was way in the back in the corner. I liked my room there, well until the next morning....but that story is coming. The last group of the evening was at 7:15 pm. The therapist that ran this group was my game changer. His groups were amazing and made me think. My first group of his, was the one that touched me and I knew that I had made the right decision. What did he say? I will write about that soon. 

After a good cry in group, from the amazing therapist we had snack, then took our night meds and I went to was quiet.....and I knew the next day was going to knock reality in my face. It was also the first night I had away from my husband, kids, and pets. It was going to be a hard night sleep, but I knew I must get through it. I fell asleep.

.....................then I woke up the next the smell of Urine..........

Monday September 26th, 2016 I woke up not knowing it was going to be the first day of the rest of my life.

I woke up as usual and got Xavier onto the bus. I poured myself a cup of hot coffee and sat on my couch. All I remember was a TV commercial came on my TV and reminded me of the financial difficulties I got my family into, and that is when it started. My whole body started to shake; my heart started racing, and my breathing became difficult. That is when the crying started. I got myself into the shower, thinking that would help calm me down. This was not the first "anxiety attack" that I have had, but this was the first one that I couldn't control. Even being in the warm shower, I was still crying and struggling to breathe. I didn't know what was happening. That is when I got out and told Andrew to help me pack the kids bags, I knew I needed to go to the hospital, and I knew that I was not going to come home. I called my parents and told them I needed their help with the kids; there was no way I could take care of them with the way I was feeling. That is when my life changed.

I got to the local emergency room and was brought right back to be checked. By that time I was talking in a fast manner, and I couldn't comprehend to myself what I was saying. I told Andrew to go home and get ready for work. I knew if he was there I wasn't going to be able to be completely honest with how I was feeling to the doctors. I was embarrassed by everything going on and was even embarrassed to explain how I was feeling in front of my husband, to whom I tell everything. The emergency room staff was helpful. They helped me through everything, writing down everything I told them. That is when they said that since I said I was not comfortable to take care of my kids alone (yes... I had to admit that) the best thing that I could do for myself was to sign myself into their psych unit. It took everything I had to admit to myself that is what I needed to do, but they brought me the paperwork, and I did it, I signed my name for a 72-hour hold.

Once I signed my name, things changed...which they warned me was going to happen. At that point, I had to take all my clothes off in front of a nurse as they inventoried everything. I had to switch out of my pants; I was no longer aloud anything with strings. I was now a psych patient. They had to make sure I had nothing sharp on me and even pat me down and use a metal detector on me. That is when a nurse and two guards walked me to the psych emergency holding. There were no doors in holding and in each room only a bed. Not even a hospital bed, it was a wood bed with a mattress. I was alone and scared, but something kept telling me I needed to do this. I laid in the quiet until the doctor came in. This was when I spoke to the psych doctor for the first time. I went over everything that I was doing in my life. For the first time in years, I was 100% honest with someone. I went over everything that I was doing, including spending money that I shouldn't. That is when the red flag was raised for the doctor. I also went over with him again how I was not suicidal, but I could emphasize with people that have tried and or succeeded. I also told the doctor that I didn't feel comfortable going home and being alone taking care of my children. It wasn't in any way that I would hurt them, but I was afraid with my zoning out trying to get the constant thoughts running through my head I wouldn't be able to take proper care of them like a mother should. I was admitted.

........Little did I know, this was the best thing that I could ever do for myself.....and with that, I am going to share my week stay in the psychiatric unit......!! Letting people in on what I have been dealing with for the past 10+ years is going to be the hardest thing for me to do, but if I can help just one person, it will be all worth it.

You are not alone.

I am getting into Snap Chat, it is just a little addicting. Please add me...and then leave me your Snap Chat name in the comments. I need more mommy and daddies to follow! 

Xavier has decided he does not have one little brother, he has two.
The first one is named Zayden. Zayden is the fun loving little man that will laugh, play, and get along with everyone. Zayden will sit and watch TV, snack, and just be the best little brother in the world. Zayden will also play video games with Xavier and keep him company in his room without any complaints. Zayden is my loving, cuddling, peaceful child, until it happens....until the other side shows....dun dun dun....!!!

TODD the TODDler is the opposite of cute little Zayden. Todd is the name Xavier came up with when the little bother brother turns evil. When I say evil, I am not exaggerating. Todd shows up a few times a week and we never know when he will appear. Todd calls us all names such as "stupid" and "dummy" just to name a few. Todd has the attitude and will power of a hormonal teenager that doesn't know how to express themselves correctly. Todd is just a pure asshole. (Yes, I did just call my child an asshole...and I mean it)

Do not get me wrong, I love my child...I love both of them equally, but Todd is a pure asshole. Do not get me wrong, Xavier can be the same way....but not nearly as bad as Todd. Todd is just Todd.

Todd is such an interesting character, I am starting his own section on my blog. "Adventures with Todd". I already have so many stories, and I am sure Todd will not never know, Adventures with Todd might even turn over to his own Twitter and Instagram within weeks to come.

Stay tuned and let these adventures begin.....!!!!!!!
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