It has taken me over a month to actually verbally use the work "miscarriage." This honestly has been one of the most trying times in my life, but I can say I am getting through it. I had to take some ME time. I had to just do what I wanted to do and just go crazy. I drank, cut my hair, and just took out time for me. Finally I can say it, and I do not need those things anymore. I am back to me, which honestly I thought I would never get back to.

Will we try again? Honestly this is an answer I do not think I will ever be able to answer. I am not going to jump my husband like a rabbit to have another baby, but I do think we will live our normal day to day lives and see what happens. I think if it is going to happen it will, but I am not going to make it happen....right now I am at a good place.

How did I get to this happy place? Honestly....it took awhile but a lot of cleaning and taking my mind off things. There are still things that will make me think of being pregnant. It isn't even the normal things, it could be a song that has nothing to do with babies but it makes me think about being pregnant. It is the oddest thing in the world. I have my days that I am down a little and I am learning that I just got to move on and keep living. It isn't fair to my kids to have me down and useless. It doesn't even make sense to be like that. I just have to keep living.

Now I have a spotless house and it honestly has my anxiety down a lot too. I am back on my regular medicines for anxiety which really help too. I make sure I do not miss a dose and I just keep moving. That is the main thing...moving. If I feel like I am going to have a bad moment I find something to do, even if it is putting clothes in the washer or cleaning the boys room. I just find something to do.

I feel like I needed the time I took to mourn, but now I feel like that is over with and I feel better. If I didn't mourn like I did I would of never been over it, but now I am. I woke up one morning and I was changed. I laid in bed and thought to myself "you have to get it  together." That is what I did.

I feel like I am back better then ever. I feel in a really good place for not only my sons but for my husband. Andrew tells me he sees a huge difference in me too. He was there for me more then he knows.

I am back.


I do not even know where to begin. My pain is more then anything. I am empty. Literally. Empty.

Empty.


My uterus is empty.

Last week this time there was a baby growing inside. I posted pictures, they were playing with their toes............now.............empty.

Here is my story.....which I am officially calling "empty".

Saturday, Feb 20th I woke up to wiping a brown discharge....when I took my first morning pee. Nothing exciting, I was over 9 weeks pregnant, brown discharge was nothing. I also wrote it off as to my lovely pimples I was having down below.....lol. GIANT pimples lmao. It was okay, I knew it was okay,

I went to my mom and dad's that day, told them about the discharge but again was not worried in the least because brown discharge didn't mean anything. I knew, since having 2 pregnancies before that was a normal color you didn't have to worry about.....or at least I kept telling myself.

Remember a few weeks ago when I had my first check up I was told I was a week off...which we wrote it off as to being that I ovulated a week late......but I knew....as a mom... I KNEW...something was not correct. I just knew it. Did i say it? NO, of course not, but I knew. I want to scream it out loud now...but I knew something wasn't right!

Anyway, Sunday the 21st came.....I got a shower and went to the bathroom....when I wiped there was a clot.  Not a big clot....but a clot...and at that second I KNEW. At that second of my life I knew there was something wrong. I knew from that moment on, there was no more baby. I knew, I needed to get to the ER..........I needed the doctor to tell me there was no more heartbeat. I knew the baby was gone. From that moment, I felt empty. I knew I was empty.

To make a long story short, I was correct. Not only was a correct but my blood levels were low. Normal levels are from 12-16. My blood count was a 7.

The next day I had to receive a blood transfusion, and the next day a D&C. My baby was gone, and so was I.

Telling Xavier was the worst. I didn't realize how much he understood, but being 8 years old he knew everything. I have been honest with him through it all.

This is the hardest thing ever.

Empty is what I feel. Empty is what I am.

I will write more as time goes on....but right now.............I am empty.

Empty.


Thank you cable television for this interesting question! 


Xavier: What is a yeast infection?

Me: Honestly, that is one question you really do not want me to answer....can I leave it as that?

Xavier: I guess

Me: Believe me, you will thank me when you are older and have learn about it...,just stay clueless til then.



I THINK I HANDLED THAT QUESTION WELL!


Anxiety is not a joke with me, it seriously is controlling my whole life. I had to get my medicine knocked down to one of the lowest doses since I am pregnant and what I am on is a Class C drug. My OBGYN feels comfortable with me staying on this medicine throughout my whole pregnancy at this level instead of putting me on the Class B drug and a higher dose. Her reasoning is because I have never been on the other drug we do not know if it will even help me, so since we know this one is helping, she feels comfortable with me on it. Being on anything with a baby growing inside is a risk in itself, but it is one that I have to take because there is no way I can go off my meds with the amount of anxiety I have.

My anxiety has been getting the best of me because being pregnant with my 2 boys I have always been sick. I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow and usually by this time I have been in the ER twice for fluids, that is how sick I get. This time around, I get barely nauseous. I have my moments of "please get that away from me, I cannot smell that right now" and "I just can't move because I am going to vomit." Other then that I am fine and pretty much can eat whatever I am hungry for. That being said, my head convinced myself that the baby stopped growing and I was carrying around a little baby with no heart beat. I know that might sound crazy to some, but when a person has severe anxiety the thoughts can take over their lives. I couldn't eat, sleep, and honestly it was getting to the point breathing even hurt. What did I do? I bought an elective sonogram...and it was the best money that I ever spent.

I went by myself last night, only because I didn't want to bring the kids and something be wrong, that would be too much for them. Well.... "baby sprinkle" is perfect! This baby is in there, the size of an olive playing with their toes and everything! It was such a wonderful experience and I am so happy that I know the baby is okay. I feel this relief over me. I came home and made up for not eating the past few days. (lol) It feels so good knowing I have a healthy little baby growing inside me. I even know the date that we are finding out the sex.....but that is for us to know and no one else.....since we have plans on how we are telling each set of grandparents.

This is the funnest pregnancy ever! Andrew and I are having so much fun with it, and just enjoying every little moment! <3

Here are some pictures!









We had our first official doctors appointment yesterday. I was convinced I was going to walk in there and not leave until I saw the baby again, or hear a heart beat....I was going to put my foot down because of my anxiety. Well....that didn't happen, because I found a doctor that put me at such ease I actually trust HER. (I never like female OB's)

She answered all my questions with answers that went above and beyond. By the time I got to the exam she had insured me that our little baby is just fine inside me, since there are no signs otherwise. She said if baby is not okay, we will know....otherwise....just relax and enjoy.

I knew she was correct because when I was pregnant with Xavier (before I ever had a miscarriage) I did not see or worry about him until 12 weeks. That is when we first had a sonogram and screening, so I didn't know if he had a heart beat or anything until then....which is normal. The miscarriage is what really messes with women, because we are so scared it is going to happen again. So I am taking her relaxing and just enjoying. I mean, why should I stress and not enjoy this time...especially when I really think this is going to be be our last baby.

On another note, I came home and my sickness started to pick up. I am not complaining, it actually insures me everything is going okay. I promised myself that if we had a third baby I would enjoy every last second of it, even if I was throwing up sick like I was with my two boys. So far this pregnancy is completely different....so I cannot complain....and won't.

Next appointment.... March 1st. <3


Xavier and I were watching TV the other night....a commercial came on about adopting an Elephant to help save their trunks....and this conversation happened:

Xavier: "Mom....why would anyone want to adopt an Elephant?"

Me: "So that they do not become extinct and they will still be alive for when you have kids, so they can enjoy them."

Xavier: "But mom, they are so big...where do people put them?"

Me: *Blank Stare*

Xavier: "What, mom, what?"

Me: "Oh, you are being serious?"

Xavier: "They are huge, wouldn't that take up the whole back yard?"

Me: "Xavier, you really do not get the elephant.....you just adopt it sorta speak and send money to help them."

Xavier: "Oh, well that makes more sense, why don't they say that?"


........he is totally is my child......

Yesterday was a big milestone for "Baby Sprinkle." I got in to have an early sonogram since I am a high risk pregnancy, due to my blood clots and previous miscarriage before having Zayden. I was nervous because when I found out our little baby stopped growing before Zayden it was around the same exact time in January and also I was around the same time pregnant. According to my last period I should be around 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. I laid down and had to have an internal since we are so early. We saw the sac right away.....and I just had a feeling that was all we were going to see and I was going to get the news of a miscarriage was on it's way. The sonogram lady moved the internal device one way and was like "omg....look at that.....it is a heart beat!" I am only measuring 5 weeks and 5 days (yesterday) and there is already a heart beat. I was a week ahead, but either the baby is just small or I ovulated a week later then I thought. I am so thankful there is a heartbeat. If I wouldn't of seen a heartbeat and measured behind I would of left there yesterday an emotional disaster....but that little heartbeat just proves that there is this tiny 2mm little human growing inside me. (the size of a sprinkle) 

I know a lot of mama's out there have had miscarriages, so they can relate how hard these first few weeks are. I do not know how some mama's do it that do not get an early sonogram and just have to wait and see how things are going. I personally feel everyone should be able to get one around 8 weeks.

My next appointment is in the beginning of February.....it will be the first time to meet with my new doctors, so I cannot wait to see how that goes. As of right now I really like my new choice in offices.

Until next time!
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