Monday, March 2, 2015

So I am sitting on Facebook this morning and found a few people were posting "What Girls Want" in my feed.....! I couldn't believe how much things change once you become a women. I used to want these things when I was in high school...but now I had to make a "What Women Want" to compare. you agree with these!?

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Tuesday, February 3, 2015

I have been dealing with Anxiety for years, but within the past few years it has got worse. I have been on different medications for it, and just learning how to get through it. Anxiety attacks are not something to "breath through." Anxiety attacks are different for everyone, from feeling that you have a ton of bricks on your chest to the walls closing in on you. During that time for me personally I get very emotional because I honestly do not know how to handle it. Little things can set me off, I can get mean or just quiet and need to be left alone. It is hard. It is not a joke. Anxiety is real.

Ever lay in bed with your mind racing to the point of not being able to shut it off? That is me every night. Ever have someone say something to you when you first wake up, then when you go to sleep you sit there and analyze it, think about it, then make a huge story out of it when it might of had the meaning some something completely opposite.....that is me. I can make a "mountain out of a mole hill" in 1.2 seconds.

This is just a taste of what I have been dealing with for years. Honestly, this is not even half of it, this is just what I can explain. There is so much more with this "disease"that I can't even begin to explain. I can explain this....!

When someone with anxiety pulls away from you, or even just stops talking...they need their space. I personally will stop talking to someone in a heartbeat, when I stop talking to should take it as a favor because I know what can come out of my mouth in different situations, so when I stop talking to someone it is so that I do not say the wrong things. I could be quiet for a day, a week, a month, and maybe a year....but guess what.....that is something that I have to deal with. It has nothing against anyone. When a person does this, and someone keeps pushing to get back into their are not helping anyone and you are really hurting the person with anxiety. A person that pushes and pushes can really do damage to the person with Anxiety.

You also do not push someone and use other family members or friends to get to that person. This can set a person with Anxiety off to the point of never wanting to talk to you again. Let me try to explain....when a person with Anxiety "thinks about situations" we replay things over in our minds so much it makes us crazy, so when you are pushing that person and we are now given more things to think can make us crazy...literally crazy. Using other family members or doing things to get to the person just pushes these people away more. Doing things to make yourself feel better is selfish. Sending texts, cards, gifts, and everything else......this is to make YOU feel better....because you are doing so much harm to the person with Anxiety. Believe me.

I have been having a bad few months. I actually started a new medication about 6 months ago, and it was working so well. I was never the happiest.....I told my mom I really felt "normal" I was sleeping again, I was happy, I felt like coming around again. I felt like opening up and trusting people in my life....then I get one stupid little text....just a "push" text...........and that opened it all up to me again. Then the holidays came, people kept pushing then, next kids birthdays, pushing again. I seriously think I am worse now over situations that I cannot control then I have ever been.

It is so annoying that when I am quiet and just keep to myself there are people that just can't handle that and have to push. It is selfish, it is harmful.

Please.....just think about it next time someone just backs off a little bit. Maybe stop thinking about your needs and think about theirs. They might just need a break....

Sorry, I try not to get this personal in my life, I keep my anxiety to myself, but I am to the point that I am breaking.....and I just don't think people get that.

It is hard to start feeling better and then a person makes another situation for me to get upset and emotional over. I do not know what to do....I understand I cannot live in a bubble, but I can blog about it. This just might be the outlet I need. Writing.

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Friday, January 23, 2015

I just have to take a minute to say "Congratulations" to my #1, Xavier! He received the Extra Effort and Citizenship Award for his class this year and was presented with it at the Ambridge Area School Board Meeting! This boy works so hard, and this just proves how much hard work and dedication he puts into school.....unlike his mother ever did! (smile) 


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Sunday, January 11, 2015

Oh how excited I am...Andrew and I decided it was time to make a big purchase in the new year. Finally we made the huge decision to just go out and buy a new (to us) car.

Last week our SUV started to make a weird noise...go figure...HAPPY NEW YEAR....from the car! Right? Anyway, that was the last of it...we decided to go and look at cars. We went looking at one
kind of car and came home with something completely different....something we thought we would never be able to purchase, but we did......a NISSAN MAXIMA!

First off....let me say this....when they told us this was FULLY cannot get anything else in it I was still skeptical. Well then they said.... "not only does this sexxxy thang (okay not in those words) have heated has a heated steering wheel too" WHOA WHOA I that old that I didn't know that even existed? Let me tell you....we are so spoiled now....I will never not have a heating steering wheel again. Taking Xavier to the bus stop in that bad bootay is heated, my hands are heated......I am all heated...and I love it!

Andrew and I are seriously such dorks....I keep walking past the window and looking out saying "damn, which hot couple owns that sexxxxy car....oh wait it's US!!!" hahaha.

Does it sound like I am bragging? Well I am....Andrew and I do not purchase big ticket items like this without major talks and decisions....we have 2 kids...but we did need a safe vehicle to transport out kids they were one of the main reasons we did this. Also....we deserve a new toy, Andrew has this new job and we can finally afford to do something fun like this for ourselves......and let me tell you....we are damn proud and it feels damn good!

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Sunday, January 4, 2015

You know Nikki had  a bad week when...
14 hours and counting...14 hours and I will be sending Xavier back to school....!!! I never thought I would be one of "those moms" that counted down to when school started after a holiday. I am now "one of those moms."

I do not know if it was the sickness that was throughout our house for over a week...including the whole Christmas holiday, or the boredom that overcame Xavier and Zayden from having to look at my face day in and day out of the holiday break. Honestly if I had to look at myself that much I would get bored too. Xavier's mouth got to the point that mommy lost it a few times....lost it to the point I felt bad that I lost it...but I had to. If I didn't lose it when I did I would be committed by now. I don't care how awesome of a mommy you are, us mommies can only take so much.  Those are other stories that I may or may not tell....I don't know how much I want to embarrass myself and how much over share I feel like doing. (lol)

Well, lets see....sickness, mental break downs, stress of the holidays, stress of the kids, stress that OUR FUCKING CAR BROKE DOWN, and stress of Andrew's job schedule non-schedule....mommy needed a break! We went down to "black grandmas" last night to watch the Steeler's play......and I brought us some Apple Pie Moon Shine! I never knew how good this stuff tasted......I don't know if it tasted that good...or it was the stress that was on me that made it taste that much better...but this momma had a nice strong drink and it felt damn good.

I never have time to have a strong drink. I may talk about "wine" all the time...but that doesn't mean that I get to actually have it. I want to know if when moms talk about having wine all the time actually are drinking it...and if they are where are their kids? I know if I have one cup of wine I am asleep on the couch.....which would not be good with 2 crazy little boys.....the outcome of me taking a "wine nap" on the couch would just lead me to wake up to a mess that would have me drinking more wine....maybe that is the point? I dunno. LOL.

I do know this...I am not ashamed to say that I needed that nice drink last night. My kids were playing, the men were watching the game, and us ladies enjoyed Moonshine. LOL....I just noticed in the picture we were drinking it out of "red solo cups too." I think I corrupted my in-laws with my white tendency's. hahaha. So much fun!

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Friday, January 2, 2015

New hair, don't care!!! 

I waited all week for it...and it is finally here! I received my first wig in the mail today, and I couldn't be more excited. I feel cute. I am blonde. I like it.

If you follow me, you know that I usually never have the same color for more then a few months. This past summer I played with bold colors...which I loved, and miss. I ran across a group for women that wear wigs on Facebook...I lurked for months, but this past weekend I did it. I plunged into a wig site, fell in love with one and ordered it. I am sitting here typing as a blonde.

Do blondes have more fun? I am not sure yet. I do know they are much bitchier to their kids, or else their kids are much more whiny around blondes. I haven't decided on that yet. Fun though? I guess I will have to give it a few wears to really answer that question. I am going to stick with it.

I have to go to Walmart....which in a way frightens me. I keep thinking I am going to come home to a bunch of messages that I was featured on the crazy Walmart site. DO NOT WEAR WIGS TO WALMART...with my picture on it. Eek. I guess if I just do it...wear it out...own it....I will be okay. It is that first outing that is making me nervous. (This is coming from the girl that had blue hair all bright blue hair)

Nervous. Scared. What if it falls off?

Hopefully I do not have any funny stories later...we shall see. Wish me luck!

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Thursday, January 1, 2015

  • Hello 2015! 

  • 41.What do you want the overarching theme for your 2015 to be?
~To grow as a wife and a mother. I was to take this year to keep learning about myself, to keep finding my strengths and weaknesses to become better then I am right now. I want to continue to be the best that I am.

  • 42.What do you want to see, discover, explore?
~I want to discover our forever home. I want to explore all the options of houses that we want...I want us to be able to find exactly what we are looking for as a family. It sounds cheesy but this whole year is dedicated to finding a house for our kids to grow up in, and something that we can say is our own. This is our year! 

  • 43.Who do you want to spend more time with in 2015?
~I want to spend more time with my kids and my parents...which when I say that include my inlaws.

  • 44.What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?
~I want to become a better cook. I think I am okay right now, but I want to really try different recipes. I am not setting goals on how many to do a week or a month, but when they come up and I see something I want to try, I want to do it. I also want my mom to teach me knitting. I think it is something that I would like.

  • 45.Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?
~Listening. I know I do a lot of talking but I want to listen more. 

  • 46.What do you want your everyday life to be like?
~Stress free, full of sleep, time to read and blog...........HAHAHAHA..........who am I kidding on that, I am a stay at home mom....I don't get to do those things. :) I want it to be full of surprises and lots of fun times with my kiddos and hubby.

  • 47.Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?

~I wish noises wouldn't annoy me as much. Is that lame or what? Like right now I wish my husbands snoring wasn't bothering me to the point I have about several ways I could hide his body in my head. hahaha. 

  • 48.What do you want to achieve career-wise?
~I have the best career a women could ask for..........I am a stay at home mom dammit! I want to achieve greatness....I am a super hero!

  • 49.How do you want to remember the year 2015 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?

~I want it to be the year our kids say "That is the year we moved into our house."

  • 50.What is your number one goal for 2015?

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