It has taken me over a month to actually verbally use the work "miscarriage." This honestly has been one of the most trying times in my life, but I can say I am getting through it. I had to take some ME time. I had to just do what I wanted to do and just go crazy. I drank, cut my hair, and just took out time for me. Finally I can say it, and I do not need those things anymore. I am back to me, which honestly I thought I would never get back to.
Will we try again? Honestly this is an answer I do not think I will ever be able to answer. I am not going to jump my husband like a rabbit to have another baby, but I do think we will live our normal day to day lives and see what happens. I think if it is going to happen it will, but I am not going to make it happen....right now I am at a good place.
How did I get to this happy place? Honestly....it took awhile but a lot of cleaning and taking my mind off things. There are still things that will make me think of being pregnant. It isn't even the normal things, it could be a song that has nothing to do with babies but it makes me think about being pregnant. It is the oddest thing in the world. I have my days that I am down a little and I am learning that I just got to move on and keep living. It isn't fair to my kids to have me down and useless. It doesn't even make sense to be like that. I just have to keep living.
Now I have a spotless house and it honestly has my anxiety down a lot too. I am back on my regular medicines for anxiety which really help too. I make sure I do not miss a dose and I just keep moving. That is the main thing...moving. If I feel like I am going to have a bad moment I find something to do, even if it is putting clothes in the washer or cleaning the boys room. I just find something to do.
I feel like I needed the time I took to mourn, but now I feel like that is over with and I feel better. If I didn't mourn like I did I would of never been over it, but now I am. I woke up one morning and I was changed. I laid in bed and thought to myself "you have to get it together." That is what I did.
I feel like I am back better then ever. I feel in a really good place for not only my sons but for my husband. Andrew tells me he sees a huge difference in me too. He was there for me more then he knows.
I am back.