Miscarriage....I am empty.


I do not even know where to begin. My pain is more then anything. I am empty. Literally. Empty.


My uterus is empty.

Last week this time there was a baby growing inside. I posted pictures, they were playing with their toes............now.............empty.

Here is my story.....which I am officially calling "empty".

Saturday, Feb 20th I woke up to wiping a brown discharge....when I took my first morning pee. Nothing exciting, I was over 9 weeks pregnant, brown discharge was nothing. I also wrote it off as to my lovely pimples I was having down below.....lol. GIANT pimples lmao. It was okay, I knew it was okay,

I went to my mom and dad's that day, told them about the discharge but again was not worried in the least because brown discharge didn't mean anything. I knew, since having 2 pregnancies before that was a normal color you didn't have to worry about.....or at least I kept telling myself.

Remember a few weeks ago when I had my first check up I was told I was a week off...which we wrote it off as to being that I ovulated a week late......but I knew....as a mom... I KNEW...something was not correct. I just knew it. Did i say it? NO, of course not, but I knew. I want to scream it out loud now...but I knew something wasn't right!

Anyway, Sunday the 21st came.....I got a shower and went to the bathroom....when I wiped there was a clot.  Not a big clot....but a clot...and at that second I KNEW. At that second of my life I knew there was something wrong. I knew from that moment on, there was no more baby. I knew, I needed to get to the ER..........I needed the doctor to tell me there was no more heartbeat. I knew the baby was gone. From that moment, I felt empty. I knew I was empty.

To make a long story short, I was correct. Not only was a correct but my blood levels were low. Normal levels are from 12-16. My blood count was a 7.

The next day I had to receive a blood transfusion, and the next day a D&C. My baby was gone, and so was I.

Telling Xavier was the worst. I didn't realize how much he understood, but being 8 years old he knew everything. I have been honest with him through it all.

This is the hardest thing ever.

Empty is what I feel. Empty is what I am.

I will write more as time goes on....but right now.............I am empty.


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