You are not alone, I promise.

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Monday September 26th, 2016 I woke up not knowing it was going to be the first day of the rest of my life.

I woke up as usual and got Xavier onto the bus. I poured myself a cup of hot coffee and sat on my couch. All I remember was a TV commercial came on my TV and reminded me of the financial difficulties I got my family into, and that is when it started. My whole body started to shake; my heart started racing, and my breathing became difficult. That is when the crying started. I got myself into the shower, thinking that would help calm me down. This was not the first "anxiety attack" that I have had, but this was the first one that I couldn't control. Even being in the warm shower, I was still crying and struggling to breathe. I didn't know what was happening. That is when I got out and told Andrew to help me pack the kids bags, I knew I needed to go to the hospital, and I knew that I was not going to come home. I called my parents and told them I needed their help with the kids; there was no way I could take care of them with the way I was feeling. That is when my life changed.

I got to the local emergency room and was brought right back to be checked. By that time I was talking in a fast manner, and I couldn't comprehend to myself what I was saying. I told Andrew to go home and get ready for work. I knew if he was there I wasn't going to be able to be completely honest with how I was feeling to the doctors. I was embarrassed by everything going on and was even embarrassed to explain how I was feeling in front of my husband, to whom I tell everything. The emergency room staff was helpful. They helped me through everything, writing down everything I told them. That is when they said that since I said I was not comfortable to take care of my kids alone (yes... I had to admit that) the best thing that I could do for myself was to sign myself into their psych unit. It took everything I had to admit to myself that is what I needed to do, but they brought me the paperwork, and I did it, I signed my name for a 72-hour hold.

Once I signed my name, things changed...which they warned me was going to happen. At that point, I had to take all my clothes off in front of a nurse as they inventoried everything. I had to switch out of my pants; I was no longer aloud anything with strings. I was now a psych patient. They had to make sure I had nothing sharp on me and even pat me down and use a metal detector on me. That is when a nurse and two guards walked me to the psych emergency holding. There were no doors in holding and in each room only a bed. Not even a hospital bed, it was a wood bed with a mattress. I was alone and scared, but something kept telling me I needed to do this. I laid in the quiet until the doctor came in. This was when I spoke to the psych doctor for the first time. I went over everything that I was doing in my life. For the first time in years, I was 100% honest with someone. I went over everything that I was doing, including spending money that I shouldn't. That is when the red flag was raised for the doctor. I also went over with him again how I was not suicidal, but I could emphasize with people that have tried and or succeeded. I also told the doctor that I didn't feel comfortable going home and being alone taking care of my children. It wasn't in any way that I would hurt them, but I was afraid with my zoning out trying to get the constant thoughts running through my head I wouldn't be able to take proper care of them like a mother should. I was admitted.

........Little did I know, this was the best thing that I could ever do for myself.....and with that, I am going to share my week stay in the psychiatric unit......!! Letting people in on what I have been dealing with for the past 10+ years is going to be the hardest thing for me to do, but if I can help just one person, it will be all worth it.

You are not alone.



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3 comments :

  1. Good for you that you got help. We cannot always be super woman and there are times we have to reach out for help. You are lucky you have the support of a great man.

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  2. You're very brave Nikki. I think you'll feel so much better in the long run. If you need anything, message me. Aside from close experience with some issues, I work in the MH field. Billie

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  3. You aren't alone either, and if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me love!

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